hi

I feel like ringing his neck, ahhhhhhhh bloody kids, well teenage son anyway! Suddenly got very interested in girls. Every day he's coming home late, be it a few mins to an hour. Lying to me all the time. So we have a big chat yesterday (again), think i've got through to him this time, then he comes home today with another pack of lies! I've grounded him, banned him from comp and all other consoles, and no telly! May sound harsh, but its got to that point where he obviously isn't taking my threats seriously, and too a degree i don't blame him, i do have a tendency to let him off the hook early.

All this though i've been expected it, it teenage hormones blah blah etc etc we've all been there. I feel really saddened by the fact we seem to be losing our bond, i feel like i'm always going on at him, i want to be able to give him a certain amount of freedom, but he has to accept some boundries. I explain why to him, always been up front, i don't say no and thats it. I feel so frustrated and at a complete loss, if this doesn't get through to him what next?????

I don't like being the bad guy, it really gets me down, when we get on its great but if this keeps up we're going to lose it. I couldn't stand it if he felt like i did about my mother.

The night out was great..drunk lots and laughed loads. There was a couple of girls with us i hadn't met before, one of whom was a complete riot, a laugh you wouldn't believe lol We were warned about it before we went, but still was unprepared for the full magnitude of it, she laughed/brayed loudly and often, heads were turning to our direction all night, but everytime she laughed we all followed, never heard anything like it!

My sister and i decided to leave them about half 12 to go onto a club, so we're all kissing and hugging our goodbyes, the laugh gets up to give me a hug and a kiss...anothor kiss...and another...i keep giving her my cheek (now very scared lol) she puts her hands to my face tells me i'm beautiful and kisses me again! still not letting me go, I'm laughing, maybe hysterical, she says she needs a good snog!! i tell her, yeah but not with me eh lol she cracks up again and tells me she loves me. I turn to my mate and asks is she gay, "she's married" my friend replies. Her point.............

My libido dissapeared just before christmas, probably the stress of everything that went on...but oh my god!! it has come back with avengence, i can't get enough, my fella came back last night, we had a massive row, then fucked like rampant animals, it was great!! this moring when we woke, again this afternoon, and i'm still as horny as i was before!

I'm off out with the girls tonight, i'm gonna be a nightmare, i know it. Hoping he'll come back before i leave and satiate my appetite........feels a bit wrong considering i am still pissed with him actually!

bloody red wine doesn't help either lol

Better go sort myself out (as in getting bathed etc for night out)

Trying very hard to stick to an exercise plan and diet, going well so far, but this drinking 2 litres of water a day...is it natural on top of all the other fluids?! I've been up and down those stairs, and i jest you not, every 15 mins, i'm lucky if i manage to get to a break in the programmes i've watched. I just sit here jigging away in frustration that i need again!!

and i do need again...............................

The girls and i took a trip into canterbury for a bit of lunch, and some shopping, trying to make the most of the last week in the sales. The girls got an aray of tops jeans and boots, what did i get....track bottoms for yoga, and internet extension cables!! oh and a couple of games for my friends sons birthday. Was looking for a nice jacket, but i'm a tall gal and the ones i liked where to short, i find shopping very frustrating

Was funny though, my friend brought a nice pair of boots, decided to put them on and wear them there and then, five minutes out of the shop,she gets targeted by a well aimed dollope of pigeon plop-splat striaght on her new boot lol was very amused

(how do you get the face icons up on here?)

Feeling fine today, still haven't said anything to him though, can't quite seem to let him off the hook just yet...don't know why really. Had a good day, did yoga with a friend this morning, then went down the pub and celebrated.....

What is it with an afternoon drink that makes your legs feel like jelly, and even though i only had three white wine and sodas i feel like i could sleep the rest of the day!

I don't know, i've been bombarded with messages from him today, i woke up feeling that i may have over reacted, though i still can't seem to bring myself to say so to him.

I read those messages and immediatly jumped in guns blazing! I said yesterday that i knew he hadn't done anything just by what the rest of the texts said. I've looked at the messages again and they don't seem quite as bad on second look, the one about the pictures, read " sounds nice, i'd like to see it, does your phone send pics?

He said he'd called her gorgeous cos she was on a downer about her love life, but doesn't know why he called her babe...been friends for years but hasn't seen her since before he went to iraq in 05.

I want to believe him and i think i do, but some thing is holding me back............

What an arse!! lets not worry about my (ex) fella going to Afganistan, i found out he's been texting his ex superior (female) calling her babe, telling her she's gorgeous and asking if her phone sends pictures kiss kiss kiss!!!

Apparently i'm over reacting and he was just seeing how she was???!!! I know he hasn't physically done anything, cos he did also ask about her love life and if she'd met some bloke. Doesn't take away fron the fact that he (as far as i'm concerned) was flirting with her, if she had offered it, would he have taken it??

Is that how your talk to your superiors these days??!! i'm am so fucking angry!! with myself though, cos this isn't the first time!

I waited and waited and as i suspected, he turned up just as i was about to leave to pick up the little ones. Can you believe it, he waited around for me to get back!!! pick your jaws off the floor everyone lol

It turned out to be the same repair man that came last week when boiler broke down. The leaking rad was the one he took off the wall to drain them out (though he swears he never touched the bit its leaking from....yeah ok) He was quite tasty as well, makes a change from the usual workmen i get! This was the one time i did have to lie to my rather insecure partner lol He never fails to ask me in a accusating tone.."good looking was he!"

Talking of my beloved, he's off to Afganistan in April got a 6mth tour. Hoping to have a long weekend in Rome before he goes, a bit of time just the two of us, be nice. Going to miss him so much, but on the bright side we'll probably write to each other every day. When he was in Iraq i recieved an Ebluey everyday which really kept me going. He just recieved all his kit, which he seemed excited about, most of it's too small at the moment (christmas strikes again) I know he is dreading it as am i, but the one small mercy is that he's a clerk so he won't go out on the field or what ever they call it quite as much as some of the others.

Two days off work! and what am i doing ( besides writing this of course)? I'm waiting in for 3 separate repair men! 2 yesterday and 1 today!

Got a leaky rad, been waiting for bloody ages, have to pick the kids up from school soon, and you can put money on it that he'll either turn up, A-seconds before i have to go or, B- while i'm gone! and even if i put a note on the door saying back in five, i'll come home to a card on the mat, saying, we called but you were out!!!!

The things i could be doing instead...........

I got called into the school on friday, my youngest son bless him had been sobbing all afternoon over his gran, and the day before apparently. He hasn't said a word to me about how he feels, so was a bit of a shock. He's seemed fine, we've spoke about her, and he's been ok. Guess he didn't want me to see him upset, bless him

Things are getting back to normal now though, so hopefully the children will follow. I'm exercising again, decided to try yoga, well, it seemed to easy at the time, then i wake up the next day and oh my god!!! every bit of me ached, must of done it right lol

Decided to get back on track with things, I'm sure my mother in law would want nothing less!

So got the kids to school, myself to work, and then i went to aquacise! still manged a swim after too. Aquacise...how embarrassing. the instructor made us all in groups at turn, hold onto the side and jump, making our more than ample behinds, break out of the water (causing tidal waves to those behind) not a pretty sight i can tell you. After seeing more than i wished of the group before me, a mental image of my own backside flashed before me! diet time me thinks!

Why does the simple thought of dieting make me so hungry???

Well, after all that went on today. The mother in laws sister and family had came down from scotland to attend the funeral, and they came to us early evening. It was lovely to see them, though shame we only ever seem to see them when someone dies!?

She told us how the funeral went, a real tribute to her by all accounts, and people were standing in the church so many came to pay their respects! She was a very well liked lady, it used to take hours going through town with her, stopping every fifty yards to talk to someone else lol she will be very missed, and by lots!

Right well, i'm pretty bloody knackered after today so i'm going to get myself an early night, thanks again to you guys who replied to my last post, good advice and kind words which i'm taking aboard so thanks again x

What a horrible morning! My mother in laws funeral is today, she died just after christmas. My childrens father doesn't want them to attend the funeral, and up till today everyone was ok with it. My daughter woke up in tears saying that she wants to go now. I split with their dad 4 years ago, we don't get on that well. I tried speaking with her, said we can take flowers up at the weekend and say our goodbyes, but she's just distraught. I've spoke to her dad, who in turn spoke to her, and he really doesn't want her to go. I agree on some levels but its difficult. She's now laying on the sofa watching the telly, she looks so sad. I can't go now either, i don't want to send her to school upset, they'd send her home again anyway. We're all going to miss her so much, she absolutely adored her grand children and they in turn adored her. My eldest son won't talk about her, goes very quiet when she's mentioned. I think he's bottling it all up inside himself, he always popped into see her on his way to school and sometimes on the way home. I feel totally useless in comforting them, i just don't know what to do for the best.

phew, he's gone back to work, i won't see him for two weeks now, so should be able to get my head on striaght again. I'm back to work myself tomorrow, had 3 weeks off, been dying to get back to normal, but now its here..........

Talking of normal, i've got to get back on the diet, am currently sitting here with my jeans button undone, not a pretty picture! I've spent all my time off, grazing like some farm animal (take your pick) Drank probably a whole years worth of wine in that time too! feeling like a slob! So, the plan is to get back to work, take up swimming and eat a good balanced diet! urgghhhh why do i do it too myself, why why why??!!

hi again, i decided that i'm going to give my fella a chance. I can't say that i know what i want still though, and i'm not going to lie. It's the strangest thing, I seem to have more feeling for him when he isn't home, and i know if this was a friend saying this to me, i'd probably say to her that she was more in love with an idea of love, than actually being in love. Whether i'm deluding myself, i couldn't say. I know that when i have thought about ended it, i become scared, i don't want him out of my life, and i know he'd have to be if we weren't lovers. I'm going to treat this site like a diary-not very private, but no one knows me. Would be good to get some input from people, who don't know me have nothing invested and can just give valid unbiased advice.
Lots of things going on at the moment, so far this year hasn't been very good, burying someone special next week. I feel like an outsider going to this funeral though, its a long story, maybe i'll go into it another time, just not ready yet, too many unresolved feelings.